


your own personal jesus

by lizardboyo, michaelmell



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Bisexuality, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Drug Addiction, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Polyamory, also this is really edgy leave me alone, im really emotional abt these babies, save me from mysel, theyre all poly and in love and im in love with them h
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-09-01 05:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16759168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizardboyo/pseuds/lizardboyo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/michaelmell/pseuds/michaelmell
Summary: feeling unknown and you're all alone; flesh and bone by the telephone, lift up the receiver i'll make you a believer





	your own personal jesus

**Author's Note:**

> hii this is apollo (lizardboyo) dax is sharing this acc with me and a few others now because he's been unmotivated to write and doesn't want to let this godtier @ go to waste faksdfjk

Stumbling through city streets and the lights are painful, piercing into and temporarily blinding, blurring his vision. It’s a two-hour drive from New York City to Scranton, and Ryan hasn’t made it by himself in months. It’s ten or so, or probably already midnight, but the last time he checked his phone it was ten. He doesn’t know why now, of all times, seems to be the perfect time to make the trip, but he has his mind set on it and there’s nothing he hates more than anything that gets in his way. He knows he shouldn’t do it, but that won’t stop him. There are so many things he knows he shouldn’t do, but nothing ever stops him. God, he wishes something would stop him.

He makes his way to the bus station, buys a ticket, and gets on the next bus going to Pennsylvania. If he knew what he had in his wallet maybe he would’ve tried to save up a bit, but that’s not the kind of lifestyle he’s been living. Ryan sits down and it smells awful everywhere. He doesn’t know if it’s the train or if it’s his mind catching up to him. He feels his body rotting.

You’re raised to think that you don’t know when you’re dying, to live in the moment because each passing moment could always be your last, but Ryan knows. He figures this must be different. He’s doing it to himself. He knows he can’t possibly have much time left if he keeps living like this.

He’s scared. Not of death, and not of losing everything he’s built for himself. But he is scared of his own detached nature. Somewhere inside, Ryan knows that he should care and that he should be afraid. He’s just not. It doesn’t worry him that all it takes is a little too much of his habit to put an end to it all. Maybe it’s secretly what he wants. Things would be so much easier if he did feel the fear he knows he should. He’d be able to stop himself.

He dozes off.

“SCRANTON, PENNSYLVANIA,” A booming voice echoes throughout the bus cab.

Ryan opens his eyes and the light stings. He’s nauseous. He guides himself off the bus and to a nearby bench to rest on. He hopes he didn’t do this for nothing. He slides his phone out of his pocket and decides whether to text Jim or Pam. Jim might try to be discreet, but Ryan doesn’t want that right now. He needs to be open.

**Ryan: can you or Jim come pikc me up from th bus stop thats like 10 mins from yuor house**

He doesn’t proofread it before he sends it. The clock on his phone reads fourteen past midnight. The night feels like it’s never going to end. He doesn’t actually expect Jim or Pam to be up. It may be a Friday, but they have busy weeks and probably fell asleep on the couch together while watching a classic that they both love. They know that in reality, it’s probably a bad movie, but they have watched it together so many times that the low budget filming and the cheesy soundtrack doesn’t ever affect their enjoyment of the film.

The phone lights up and vibrates.

**Pam: I’m on my way right now, I’ll see you soon**

Ryan’s throat tightens in anxious excitement. It’s almost too cold outside, but he finds himself close to what he thinks is overheating. He has a light jacket on and debates taking it off before doing it. He knows that he’s coming down from his high and there’s only so much time before his skin starts crawling and the dirty feeling throughout his entire body sets in. He tries to ease his nausea by closing his eyes.

A few minutes or hours pass and Ryan hears a car pull up to where he’s seated. He opens his eyes and is blinded by headlights. At this point, he should expect the dull ache that comes along with any form of bright light, but it’s impossible to get used to.

Pam gets out of the driver’s seat and rushes over to Ryan. She wraps her arms around him in a tight embrace and Ryan remembers what it’s like to feel safe. He takes the moment in and appreciates the warmth radiating from Pam’s frame, her soothing energy encasing him. Before he can stop himself he starts crying on her. Pam, shocked, turns her head to look at Ryan but he just hides his face. She holds him tighter and lets him sob into the hug.

After a short while, she slowly pulls away from the hug and opens the passenger door for him. She doesn’t feel the need to question or interrogate him, in fact, she gets into the driver’s seat and starts the car in a comfortable silence. She does not pressure him into talking by trying to initiate a small, insignificant conversation about the weather, nor does she pressure him into talking by bombarding him with questions. She takes a hand off the steering wheel and offers it to him to hold. Ryan interlaces his fingers with hers.

“Thank you,” Ryan says in a hushed voice

“You don’t need to thank me, I promise,” Pam smiles to him sweetly.

They pull into the driveway and see Jim looking through the front window, he’s trying his best to assess the situation and figure out what attitude to have when Ryan walks in. Pam and Ryan exit the car, locking it behind them, and walk into the house in unexpected excitement. The strings of a smile pull at Jim’s mouth and before long he’s grinning like an idiot.

As he opens his arms to hug Ryan, Jim can only think to say, “I love you so much. I missed you more than anything. Fuck.”

Tears pool in all of their eyes and the room is filled with an overwhelming, bubbly sense of security. Reunification and safety. Ryan is smiling for the first time he can remember since he moved up to New York. Jim begins rocking side to side with Ryan still hugging him, the two entranced in the tenderness of the moment. Ryan never wants to go back to the city. The only dreams New York makes are ones of returning home.

The three of them move to the bedroom and all sit on the bed together. The couple asks Ryan to tell any tales of his time living in New York. They carry light conversation together. It’s good, but Ryan can’t help but feel antsy. Restless. When he tries to get seated comfortably he comes to the realization that his body needs another line.

_No._

He doesn’t.

Within moments the wide smile that had spread across his face began to vanish. All that remained was the ghost of his smile lines. Jim and Pam pick up on it instantly and a drastic mood change in the room takes control. Ryan tries to smile through it, but as his face begins to flex it just seems as though it contorts strangely. He knows this can’t convince anyone. Tears pool in his eyes.

Pam moves across to him smoothly and grabs his hand.

“Talk about it. Please?” She knows to ask if Ryan was okay would be a waste of breath. She’s been afraid of wasting his time lately.

Jim begins running his hands through Ryan’s hair. It’s greasy and Ryan feels self-conscious about it. Jim doesn’t mind. He never does.

“I-,” He starts but is cut off by the lump in his throat.

He knows better than to hold it in. His body shivers and he lets out a sob. Then another. And again. And again and again and again and he can’t stop himself like he’s used to doing.

Jim repositions himself and hugs Ryan from behind, mimicking a cradle of sorts. Ryan lets himself relax entirely and loses track of the weight of his own body. Pam rubs her thumb across his. He’s still sobbing. Jim holds him tighter.

He chokes out a weak, “I’m sorry.”

“No, you don’t have a reason to be sorry. You don’t need to be sorry for-” Pam starts to reassure Ryan that it is safe for him to cry with them, Ryan cuts her off.

“It’s not that,” The continuous stream of tears rolling down his cheeks is unrelenting, “I’ve been awful. I’ve been so fucking awful.”

Jim rests his head between Ryan’s shoulder and neck.

“I miss you both every second that I’m up there and not here with you. I miss Kelly. I miss Kelly and I don’t even tell her. And I don’t tell either of you. I don’t ever text anyone like I should,” Ryan speaks through his tears like his life depends on it, like he’s confessing his sins.

“I’m sorry that I don’t text. I know that I should I just suck at it. I suck at everything without you guys. Life feels so impossible and I-” He stops himself and thinks of how to word his sentence.

He opens his mouth and closes it, failing to draw the strength he needs so desperately. He closes his eyes in an attempt to stop crying, but the tears still find a way to leak from the corners of his eyes. It almost feels like a lost cause even though he knows he has to come clean. He knows he needs help. Now isn’t the time to battle with himself over the unappealing thought of staying at a rehabilitation center, or to chase himself out of truly opening up how he feels. About Jim, about Pam, about Kelly. About himself.

“You got this. I have you. We both do,” Jim speaks softly. His voice is slow and warm like caramel.

Ryan finds what he needs through the support of his lovers.

“I have a problem. It’s embarrassing and it feels like a joke a lot of the time. I’ve been…” He’s trying his best, “I’m hooked- like really hooked- on blow. And it was never just a one-time thing. And I- I don’t know. It doesn’t help like it used to. I get a shitty high and afterwards, my world falls apart and my thoughts consume me. My body and mind aren’t right.” He has yet to stop crying.

Pam lets go of his hand and brings hers up to his face. She holds him to make sure they keep eye contact. Ryan feels ashamed of himself and closes his eyes tight.

“Open, please? I need you to listen with all of your attention.” Pam convinces him to look her in the eye.

“Let me start from the beginning. We miss you too. We miss you with the same fire that you miss us. Kelly and I talk about you all the time. I won’t lie and tell you that it doesn’t hurt when I go a month without a text from you, but seeing you right now? This makes it worth it. Being here? Having you? You make everything worth it.”

Jim takes deep breaths as Pam speaks and nods slowly in agreeance. Pam pauses for a moment to think about what the right thing to say is.

“I can’t begin to know, and I won’t pretend to know either, what you’ve been struggling with. I don’t know what you need to hear and I don’t know what I should say. I just want you to know that you have me. Through all of this,” Pam holds eye contact in a soothing way. Ryan doesn’t know anyone who can do that.

“We want to help, we want you to be safe. Even when you aren’t here with us. We want you to be safe in New York, in California on business trips, in Europe while exploring the world,” Jim’s fingers curl in Ryan’s hair as he speaks. Not unlike Pam, he doesn’t know what the right thing to say is.

Ryan doubts that he deserves Jim and Pam. He doesn’t remember what it’s like to feel safe alone. He wishes he knew.

“Thank you. I…” He trails off, “I want to get better. And I want- I need your help. That’s still scary to say-- to admit that I need help.”

“I don’t know if it’ll ever be easy to ask for help, but I know that the fact you’re able to ask shows a lot,” Jim offers.

At this point Jim is against the head of the bed, Ryan basically laying back in his lap. Pam is in front of Ryan, facing the two men. Her hands have returned to Ryan’s.

A comfortable silence settles over the room, like a blanket. Ryan has stopped crying, but his cheeks are still lined with tears. Pam reaches up and wipes his face dry with her thumbs. She scoots in closer to hug Ryan, then Jim wraps his arms around both Ryan and Pam.

“Ryan sandwich!” Jim laughs softly, which draws a sniffly giggle from Ryan and an endearing hum from Pam.

The three hug for as long as it feels right.

In time, Pam pulls back gingerly and suggests, “I know you still have a lot on your mind, but it’s late. We can get some sleep for now. Tomorrow we can have Kelly over for breakfast if you’d like. Does all that sound alright?”

“I’d like that. A lot,” A tender smile spreads across Ryan’s face.

Jim lends Ryan a pair of his sweatpants and a shirt of his (both of which are too small on him but still find a way to be comically large on Ryan). After Ryan puts them both on he sees that the shirt goes down to his mid-thigh and decides he’s better off without the sweatpants. He folds them neatly and hands them back to Jim, who is now in just his boxers. Ryan feels the urge to hug him, and so he does.

Pam enters the room holding a full glass of water for anyone who needs it during the night and places it on the bedside table. She is the first to slide into bed. Ryan waits for Jim to get in, then slides in between the two of them. He can’t help but feel like a child. Normally childhood isn’t a concept he correlates with safety, but this is an exception. Jim and Pam make everything safe.

As they all adjust under the blankets, Ryan finds himself being cuddled by the two others. Jim is to the left; his bare chest radiating heat, one arm under his pillow and the other stretched across Ryan and Pam. He plants a kiss on Ryan’s temple. Pam is to Ryan’s right; her head nuzzled into his shoulder, her arm wrapped lazily around his chest. Her breathing slows.

It takes time, but Ryan finds himself drifting off. He isn’t plagued by shadows, he isn’t riddled with an incurable ache. He lets his eyes close. He thinks Jim and Pam are both asleep.

“I love you both,” He whispers into the dark comfort of the room.

**Author's Note:**

> uuuu i hope u enjoyed this ;OO if u did i really appreciate all kinds of feedback even if ur gonna bully me just comment! i thrive on validation,


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